More Bulletin Bloopers

• The Reverend Jones will preach in this church next Sunday. Don’t worry, it may never happen.

• The senior choir will sing at the morning service, and a real threat is anticipated.

• We are happy to welcome Reverend Smith, a sour speaker this morning.

• A new loudspeaker has been installed in the auditorium. It was given by the deacon in honor of his wife.

• The young mothers meet each week. Those wishing to be young mothers meet me at the rectory this Thursday.

• Mr. Solomon is conducting the evening lethargy at 9:30.

• Mr. Parker was elected. We could not get a better man.

• The church dinner was like heaven. Many we expected to see there were absent.

• Subject for this Sunday’s sermon: Do you know what Hell is like? Come and hear our organist.

• Paper’s headline: POPE CITES DANGERS FACING THE WORLD. NAMES EIGHT CARDINALS.

• The annual Christmas party at the office will be hell tonight.

• The pastor will preach and there will be special sinning by the congregation.

• Methodist women will unite with Methodist men at breakfast, followed by prayer and self-denial service.

v v v

MELANIE (Age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

STEVEN (Age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury your outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (Age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (Age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

DREW (Age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

CLINTON (Age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”

JAMES (Age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

TAMMY (Age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy  looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS PARTICULAR SUNDAY SERMON: “Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening) leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl’s voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked. As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt.”

I was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During my struggle the phone rang so I asked my four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It is the Minister, Mommy,” she said. And then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

My daughter was watching us get dress for a party. When she saw my husband donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” he asked. She said, “You know that it always gives you a headache next morning.”

Letters received by a local welfare department requesting financial support:

• “I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?”

• “This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?”

• “Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.”

• “In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.”

These English signs were spotted in various foreign countries:

•   Tokyo Hotel: “It is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please do not read this notice.

•   Paris Hotel Elevator: “Please leave your values at the front desk. If you lose them in your room, we are not responsible.”

•   Athens Hotel: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 daily.”

•   Moscow Hotel: “You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except on Thursday.”

• Japanese Hotel: “Cold and Heat. If you want to condition the warm in your room, please control yourself.”