The following are calls that were made to 911.
911: “Fire or emergency?
CALLER: “I know you people, the police and all, are busy. But you’ve got to help me out.”
911: “I’ll do what I can. What’s your emergency?
CALLER: “I was hoping that you could send a policeman over here and have him scare my son into doing his homework.”
911: ”You want us to dispatch a policeman to frighten your son? Is that correct?
CALLER: “Yeah, he won’t do his homework, and I though if a cop, uh, policeman, showed up and threatened to, like, take him to jail or something, my son might do his homework.

911: “911, what’s the nature of your emergency, please?”
CALLER: “I’m trying to reach nine-eleven, but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.”
911: “This is nine-eleven.”
CALLER:  “I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.”
911: “Yes, ma’am. Nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.”
CALLER: “Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.”

911: “911. What’s the nature of your emergency?”
CALLER: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
911: “Is this her first child?”
CALLER: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!

911: “911. What’s your emergency?”
CALLER: “Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham-and cheese sandwich.”
911: “Excuse me?”
CALLER: “I made a ham-and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.”
911: “Was anything else taken?”
CALLER: “No, but this has happened to me before, and I am sick and tired of it.”
           
911: “911. What’s your emergency?”
CALLER: “Could you send the police to my house. I called and someone answered the
phone, but  I’m not  there.”

911: “911. Fire or police?”
CALLER: “Yeah. Well, police. I guess. Someone stole my mailbox.”
911: “Can I have your address, sir?”
CALLER: “It’s gone.”
           
911: “911. What’s your emergency?”
CALLER: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
911: “Do you have an address?
CALLER: “No, I am wearing a blouse and slacks. Why?”

911: “Sheriff’s Department.”
CALLER: “Yeah, do you deliver dope? Me and my girlfriend, we need some dope.”
911: “Sir, this is the Sheriff’s Department.”
                                    (Click)

A man receives a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, very rude. The man tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked! He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet, not a sound for half a minute. The man was frightened that he might have hurt the parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man’s extended arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
The man was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The manager at the door says, “Sorry, Mack, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The manager says: “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He answers, “Yes, they’re using them now. He’s very good, and protects me from robbers, too.”
The manager says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures what the heck, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again, the manager says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The manager says, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
The guy says, “A Chihuahua???? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

A man runs into a Vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes the man back to an examination room. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept the diagnosis, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet says to the man:“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead, so the vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet says to the man, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would have only charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”